morbid-sity

hmm... which is more tragic :

No.1--> to be in your dream job and with the person you love most and then find out that you have terminal disease

OR..

No. 2--> to be in a crap job, be alone cz someone just dumped you, and then, find out that you have terminal disease

I know, its kinda morbid to have that kind of thought. . . its like.. sheesh! what's wrong with this person.. has she gone bersek or what? but anyway, its just a thought that went by my head today when i was on the NEL, on my way home. I wonder which is more cruel. we may say the second one, but then, not really - the first one's cruel too, if not worse. Its, like a sad joke that's played out in the ultimate playwright personified as Irony.

Well, at least for the 2nd, you're in sh*t.. and, when sh*t happens, it does happen/come in all shapes and sizes.. huge ones too, i might add. It never just rains, it pours. Man! how true is that ??? Just have to accept - anyway, its a trashy life, it doesn't really matter to add another one more to the long list.As for the 1st - o, sad old ironic born loser. Its just tough luck mate that things turned out that way.

What brings to mind is what the ancient japanese do... they just laught it off - be it embarassment, awkwardness, or, even sadness. I don't know how true this is - i read this from the book Shogun. They've got strange ways of handling things don't they ? but, i think its pretty effective. What else can we really do in such a situation ? We can only complaint, shake our fists at heaven, hell and men.. and what have you-s for only that long. After all that, we still need to move on.. ya, even for the terminally ill. Hey, there's still loads of time after all that fist shaking and that verbal abuse one can come up with, you know.

feeling horrible still.. yes, since the weekends - feeling as if its for eternity. i think i'm in a situation where i feel that i'm caught in-between..but.. well.. *shrugs* its not as bad as compared to the 2 situations mentioned above. maybe my subsconcious mind's telling me that things aren't as bad as it seems, so, quit whinning and do what you have to do.

anyway. . . another more down to earth ponder - have you ever loved something so much that although you know that you have to give it up for the better, but you just can't ? I remembered that as a child, i use to love this blue block (yes-yes-boy-color.. i'm not all so girl anyway) toy very much, but i had to give it up cz its giving me splinters every time when i play with it. I had to throw it out; as much as i didn't want to. Well.. many such occasions played out in this same tune along in life, just different articles. I wonder if i can just throw this one out as i did to that blue block, hard as it may seem. it was tough then, but i did it. It was something that i had to do, something that i needed to do, though not something that i wanted to do.

well - the blue block's gone now... and everything went on well after that.. i bet if the blue block's human, it'll probably be thankful that i threw it out instead of getting pushed beneath the rest of the toys. and just maybe, it's probably forgotten about me now.

tuesday. just another ordinary day.

feeling sad. not exceptionally sad nor depress, but just.. well... sad. why ? i don't know - its this dark feeling since the weekends. i'm thankful for the plans arranged for the past few days - somehow, it takes a load off my mind, and frees me from this feeling. Be it dinner, coffee or just hanging out -i'm grateful for them. I'm thankful for ppl like lynn, su, aileen, becky, joohe. they've been such a dear in cheering me up.

once again, i missed out on zouk out, its like "the" party of the year, so they say - but i guess, i'm not that keen anyway - probably was, initially, but, the enthusimn died when the thought came that i need to drag myself through throngs of people to get there .. not to mention the time there, and, when heading home. O so, NOT pretty.

Enough of this sad talk .. i guess its one of those days.. rather, one of those length of time.. will be happy once more - one can't really be sad forever really. things move on, people change, life goes on. . .

Bad week or a tale of bad co-workers

*sigh* a totally bad week for me this week. but, i'm glad its friday now. work has been atrocious. i don't mean the work, but, more of the people involved.

one of my analyst just tendered her resignation last week - most of us didn't take it too well, cz we know that she's leaving not in the best interest in terms of her career well-being. To make matters worst, we felt that there were alot of things that the management could have done to train her up proper, as a full-fledge analyst. But, even with so much after thought and discussions, the cold hard fact remains, she's leaving. We will miss her. We usually talk over msn (ya! even if we are in the same room) to de-stress - those sessions were fun and really do make coming to work attractive.

next, comes the unveiling of the truth. That is the off-setthing of her leave against her service notification. It was given to her. Not as an option. She didn't know her rights then, so she took it willingly. When we found out about that, we look through the Employment Act - and it reads that it was an option that is available to employees. To offset their leaves, and serve a shorter notice, or, serve the entire one month notice and convert the remaining leave into monetary compensation. HR didn't give her a choice, but literally force it down !

feeling pretty repulsive at what was being done in the company. there are alot of unpleasantaries that happen. For instance, i was to take hours off for a personal matter that i need to attend to. It was important to me - and all i asked was to leave 45min earlier then usual. I informed my CTO, he gave an expected yes. It was silly of me to go over to my colleague in HR. We have a coy practice to let that dept know our whereabouts for accountability. It was a gesture of courtesy - to inform her. I was very appalled when she questioned me the nature of this personal affair, and was near saying that i couldn't leave. What came to mind is, is she trying to over-right my boss ? Or, she doesn't trust my boss to make a sound and be discerning enough to decide whether to let his staff to leave a little earlier then usual ? She was insistant about not letting me go - but, i just responded that it was to inform her, and not asking for an agreement. Gosh! i think she literally huff and puff fumes of anger at that point of time.

Anyway, there's a lot of issues with this hr lady - my boss brand her "the difficult lady". my coy is a small one - so, she's admin, a/c, hr all rolled into one. She's no higher in terms of seniority nor hierarchial status, and to pull such a stunt - that was totally uncalled for. She's making too many enemies for her own good.

Its sad to say - she was the very same colleague that i thought my working relationship has improved on. I guess, it was good, cz i never did really turn down any of her suggestions and requests for my help then. Well, its heart-stopping to see how fast one's attitude changes when things are not to her advantage isn't it?

anyway, i think its time - its a near 3 years since i hopped on the bandwagon. I have never complaint nor expect anything in return except for the due monetary suppliment in return for my labour, the whole time. I have never demanded anything from them, yet, this is how the whole policy is made up to be - to our disadvantage. I made a mental note to at least know what my rights are as an employee, thus, an Employment Act FAQs is highly necessary at this stage.

i begin to miss my own industry - IT .. be it SI or IEEE802.11.. I've enough of the finance industry. It was fun while it lasted..all those equities and IPOs, results and briefing - hearing millions of dollars sweeping in and out of people's accounts, and with an up-to-date bloomberg machine for access at anytime of the day. but, its time to go back "home". Place whereby IT plays the main role instead of just supporting a company.

I've learned in uni-days that IT should be working hand in hand in establishing and expanding the coy business. That IT will be a turn-key to many coys, but, apparently, there's theory only. That subject was touched on so many years ago, but in reality, it still lags behind. . . anyway, for me now - its job hunting expedition.

KiN

L@zY Sunndae - sleepy monster's 1/2 brother, slag monster visits

a lazy sunday afternoon - been slacking at home the entire today, watch some tv, catch breakfast with my new 'neighbour'. its nice to have good frens staying around the area. she's living about 2 streets away from my place. its pretty cool really. :)

a total rot agenda day today, easing off yesterday's strain of wakeboarding. well, its more of that robotic feeling that one has ... like a stiff neck syndrome. But, it makes one feel good - it creates an illusion of being bigger and stronger, and yes.. fitter and more alive. Hmmmmm....on the hindside of it - i need pain to know that i'm alive??? strange. but, no doubt true.. hahah.. anyway.. I think i'm getting this stiffness from trying to stand proper while boarding. Its really amazing how they attribute standing twisted on their boards as the right and comfortable posture - 1/2 their torso to the side, all croaked up. Its impossible! .. at least, for me. i just can't get it right. . . i've been trying to get into that twisted form for all eternalty, but my arms don't seem to listen to my brain. . its annoying. How in the world can anyone ... everyone turn their body and ride on side ways - it seems like a little strange and, i can never quite figure that out. And, what makes it worst, it comes so naturally to everyone and anyone but me. Its like the problems i have with jumping-jacks, while everyone else seem so coordinated, i'm like, all over the place. sigh... what's wrong with me???

Netherless, i had a good time boarding yesterday, manage to cross the wakes, and for sure, now, i can do that. I was moving from left to right, cz i just can't make myself stand flat on my feet. I don't know why.. maybe that's what "itchy backside" came into being... its singaporean slang. A.K.A trying to be too smart for oneself ? Ya, i think that's it... anyone can contribute a better way of explanation for that ? .... Anyway, i think its pretty self explanatory in this context. Ya? And guess what.. i've got this hideous habit of tapping my feet... Bad! but i can't help it. And then again, its the "wise ass" monster coming into play ... I know, I know - that's not the real way to board, but, its fun. When everything's wobbly, there's more things for me to do. I just hate to stand there and ride - my arms hurt, my legs hurt after being in one position for too long. *sigh* that's me... the one that don't follow instructions, that usual naughty kid in theh class. (but i assure you - i was a quiet, cute kid in school- and such a doll to all my teachers.. but of cz.. that's just the lamb skin i was wearing.. muhahahahahah .. ahem! okie, let's not go into that....) anyway, I think my boatman was near to puking bucket loads of blood and giving up on me.. oh well -- its just one of those things. Its tough to be a nuisance, so, i'm trying my hand at it right then.

I had alot of water time - stolen ones. . its like once i start out, i can't stop - and the worst part, i don't seem to feel tired at all. Do wonder where i get all that energy from... maybe, someone can tell me where's that coming from. I'm scrawny, and everyone asks me that very same question. I really can't answer it myself - well, one of life's mysteries.. hehe.. anyway, back to the stolen time .. I mean, its not nice to steal people's water time, be it whether they're the sweetest, nicest person on the face of this galaxy... it just isn't nice, and, fair. Maybe, i should let the rest go first next time.

okie - besides the arms part, i think it was really fun.. oh! i just have to get that right the next time i go boarding. I just don't seem to get that.. gosh! talk abt disobedient body. Once i get up, i will turn my hip right, put my handle to the right side.. there you go.. brain's doing it all right, i hope the hands and hip will listen too... Was speculating : Gosh! Maybe i don't have a hip, that's why i find it so difficult. Maybe I'm like a tree trunk - no joints!!!! ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.......................... ........................

okie-okie.. that's nonsense.. its just a dumb excuse for my lack of flexibillity.. hehe.. will try it the next round.

KiN

DuH alternative lifestyle

Had a good time saturday evening.. think i prefer dinner parties these days to the club. Its just .. well.. different. Its a cozy feeling, where people come together to enjoy time with one another without loud music, smoke and yes, without sleazy men around. hahahah.... And, its amazing too how board games can be so entertaining. and its surprising to find out that a fren of mine can think of all the ways to look young - from botox to facelift. Man! What has she been reading!!!

I guess i've mellowed down alot - from partying every other weekend to zilch time at the club these days. Don't really enjoy it as much now.. don't ask me why - i can't really put a finger on this one either. Its just.. well.. i don't enjoy partying as much as before i guess. No particular reason. Oh, did i mention that i was at the club the other day, so, its not really zilch-zilch. Anyway, i was literally bored to death. Was at this bar called none. Used to enjoy the boozing sessions there -but, it was pretty dead that weekend.. or, rather, i was pretty dead that nite. Dead, as in - BOOOR--R-RING... rotting to death here.... cobwebs growing.... Needless to say, i left really early. I had a girl fren with me, and both of us just sat there,inert, in our little corner - looking like the most bored people that ever walk on the face of this earth. It was pathetic...... Oh, and, there were this gay couple on the dance floor, and another straight couple too - one couple snogging one another's face off, the other, trying to grab at anything and everything off each other? oh man, that was *toungue-out-totally-gross* ...

Anyway, my point is - i think i like going for house parties, or, just some nice quiet chilling out. I wonder if this comes as a package of aging. hmmm... at my age - people still scream at me, saying " GOOSH! ! ! YOU ARE still SOOO YOUNG".. the truth is -- is it? anyway, back to what i was saying - its wonderful to hang out with my guy, with some frens, as to partying the nite away. Its nice and easy - and the best part, i've got my entire saturday to enjoy. No more blurry-eyed 1/2 saturdays, its all wide-eye-bushy-tail full saturdays. More time, more energy, more stuff to enjoy. I reckon its an alternative lifestyle to partying every weekend away into oblivion.

oh.. one of those weird things emerging into my brains now.. .. i'm getting kinda freaked that christmas hols are coming. I know - its still like a million years more to go before christmas. and, i think this is madness. But, i just can't help it. Guess christmas is the season where you get all lovey-dovey and all that stuff.. it reminds you of being with your own family. Everyone's with somebody.. and well, i guess, i've got nobody that I truly will be happy with.. i mean... its not that there's no one...... i've got lovely frens and family around me that i will love to be with. ople whom i still care for, and they care for me and all that stuff... but... its just a lack of that element -- that special feel.


Anyway, enough of wondering minds for one day. . . . christmas is still a long way to go, so, let's not even talk abt that ya.

KiN

AFTER-MIRTH OF THE ENTANGLEMENT SESSIONS

Well, you can tell by the amount of enthusim i have over my "hip-hop" class - its only after i came back from my second session that i'm actually talking about it. Well, there's nothing to rave about really. Things are a little slow -i mean, its not that the class is slow or anything like that. its just that - they need to be at this pace, else, we'll all get entangled even before we start anything. . Anyway, i think i'll prefer something more rigorous, maybe kickboxing ? or, rock climbing. . something more... adventurous...more energy, adrenaline pumping ones.... or more sassy - like, salsa - i'm not the graceful kind - but for being sassy, or sexy, for that matter, .. at least i think i can try and make a border-line pass. :) but for refine, on the toe kind of dance like this one, i'm totally hopeless.

The hip-hop class's okie, and by the way, for the record, its called Dancexercise.. Anyway, things we do there's pretty un-hip-hop. It reminds me of what i took up after my O-Levels. Was on a 3-mth course at a jc, and picked up this thing called "movement and dance" or was it "modern dance" ( ooo.. .i can't remember which now) -but, anyhow, i did just that in this Dancexercise thingy.

Besides being entangled all the time - i am absoluately clueless in being graceful while executing the steps. Gosh! i look like a puppet trying to do belly-dancing, and guess what - puppets got no bellies.. Argggghhhh.... Man! This is excruciating... but netherless it was kinda fun watching myself look so silly in the mirror. I've been wearing this hideous orange berms .. its more for rollerblading then anything - looks pretty in the sun, plain weird in the studio, where most ppl are in blacks. but, what can i say - i'm not that equipped a person to look refine and graceful in the studio. I'm more of an out-door-sie person. so, i do agree i look like a strange cat in a strange box. Okie. Mental note : at least try to look pretty and professional for starters... Will try.

The people in my class seems dead serious in getting the steps and all - so, its not much horsing around. Unlike the last time i had when i was in jc. . . anyway, i entertained myself by looking in the mirror, doing funnie things with my legs. . stand funnie or something. Its silly, but well - i need something to amuse me.. anything!

Currently, we're learning this "stepping-on-the-ground-in-a-weird-manner" dance step, there's a much nicer name for it, but, i can't remember right now whats it called. And, I just can't get it.. gosh! how lame can i be? i just don't get it - don't ask me why - err.. psycho-motor skills seems like a likely suspect. Fine! Arrest me, i can't walk funny! Hmm.... strange - the people in my class seems to catch it quite easily - maybe they are closet funny-walkers....*muse*muse*

Anyway, don't think this dancexercise thing is going to be a dread, its kinda amusing. Not in a horrible way, but in a nice way.. you know, amusing-weird-but-not-horrible kind. :)

A GOOD DAY

had a good day today. :) a good day at work... definately not the endorphines from that chocolate bar my colleague bought for me. Its just, well, nice. Had a good meeting, get complimented, in fact, its been just wonderful.

Meeting went on just perfect - alot of laughter, and the best part, we manage to get things going, at last. I'm glad. I've got this colleague that i can't get along for years,but our working relationship and frenship has improved greatly over the months. I have to say that i'm glad - and we did manage to enjoy one another's company!!! for the first time! hey, i think she's not that bad a co-worker after all. and, i'm glad things worked out between the two of us. Things are just fantastic.

I'm in chirpy mood today - however, i can't help but still wonder - why are my fonts so huge ? the ones on my fren's site, they are small, and pretty. Come to think of it, i like small things - i like my fonts to be small, my resolution is always set to a (1024 x 768) pixel, my text on my 6100 is set to "small fonts". I like small chocolate bars to big ones. Its so strange isn't it ? Maybe, there's why people always say "good things come in small pacakges".

all this "feeling-good" talk. don't think it takes alot to make one happy. there are little wonders in life that makes life so satisfying. For instance, the wind blowing in your ear. I just simply love that - was on my fren's yacht the other day and manage to catch some time alone. Was sitting on the deck, looking at the piece of sea in front of me -and, caught the wind whistling in my ears.. awsome! its just .. well.. perfect! :) the little sounds of it, and the tranquility of the whole thing (ignoring the loud jay chou song playing in the background, and my frens chattering away happily) its these little things in life just makes me happy.

KiN

Obscurity = Good = Bad OR None....

I pose you a question.

Which is worse:

A) To be happy but ignorant and naive in regards to the world
B) To be unhappy but be able to see the truth about the world

# posted by Jeremy : 8:24 AM


I read this post and find it interesting. My conclusion to this :

The grass always looks greener over the other side.

Hence, if you see the truth about the world, one just wishes that one hasn't seen it and feels that ignorance is bliss. There's just too much responsibilites when one sees things in a macro view - it almost seems that you are to know what is right and what is wrong, and you are bound to 'it' - being accountable to something bigger then you, but yet of an unknow nature. Maybe, the unknown is global belief itself, global ethics, global moral... who knows? however, who sets these things ? who says what falls into the good or bad category? Global believes.. how interesting....

As for the ignorant one, whose blissfully in their own estatic environment... well -don't yearn too much for the truth and the unrevell of them... it comes with responsibilities... much greater responsibilities that many people can't handle. What do these responsibilites involve ? - Most of them justs sits there like a holy-moly cow, shaking their heads on things they think its bad. But, that's not responsibilities..

Responsibilities involves being sympathetic, not being judgemental. Comprehension and not finger pointing. Encouragement, and not tearing down. Of course, there is a place for consequences.. but. .. think again, who are we to judge ?

KiN

The second day of july - and its the end of a work day. I am still wondering why in pete's name am i writing my innermost thoughts on the internet. I think i know enough of it to say that its never a safe place to have anything of a private nature devouched. Especially if its concerning thoughts.. ahhh... the mind, the theories, the musing - precious, priceless.

remember how it feels to read someone's diary ? its a feeling that's filled with mysterious revelation on things that run through the mind of the person you know, or, the person you don't. Don't you find it strange - we all know that we should never be snooping around people's diary - but yet, there's this strong desire to even to take a tiny peek into it. As much as we know we shouldn't, and try as we can to stop that little demon in us that's screaming at us "READ IT !!! READ IT!!!" - we can't stop ourselves from being curious. Its this weird sensation there is to it. . . I don't know about the rest of the world, but, for me, i think i'll be really-really tempted to do so.

Do you think its human curiousity that's at play here - certainly, but why is it so tough for people to admit these "dark" thoughts in their head. Is it that important to look prudent and goodie-2-shoes ? Its strange how the world at large draw fleeting conclusions on people who have a different perspective on things.

I bet all of us are facing such temptations - to look or not to look ? Well, some of us will be able to conquer it, put the journal back and walk away... some of us wouldn't - we'll be flipping the page, hungry to know what's in it. However, for the formal - can you gurantee that by not looking, there's no regret of any sort - a secrect regret perhaps ? or, a tiny little yearning still lingering ?

Is it justifiable for that same guy who walked away to point an accusing finger at the other that looked? I think, most of us will say - "of course." But, think again, if the situation arises, will you be sure you wouldn't look ? Don't be too quick to say 'Yes' - cz, we can't really be certain of anything, aren't we ?

To those out there whose never peeked - Beware, and thread with caution, lest ye shall succumb to temptation. Do not be too quick to judge, nor be too sure of one own's integrity.